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[30 Dec 2004|06:54pm] |
seriously. I'm surprised how many dumb bitches read my journal. and try to act like they know shit.
I'm doing better. a little. I don't know. I won't know. for a long time.
they've clipped my wings again, then got in the car, and left me.
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[28 Dec 2004|05:58pm] |
My moms cancer is back. big time. She can't even walk anymore.
yeah. I'm a bad friend according to Courtney and Buddy. Because i let courtney do coke.....and whatever else she wanted to do. So them not getting back together is my fault. i have one word. FUCK YOU!!!!! Fine don't answer my fuckin phone calls. I don't need to talk to you now anyway. I can't believe this. What the fuck did i do? Nothing. I'm not responsible for anyone but myself. Noone was there to tell me what or what not to do. People fuck up. But thats fucked up to go and put blame on someone else. I didn't force anything. I didn't even want to go up to potscreek.
I don't care anymore. Fuck everyone. I don't want to fuckin exist in this place any longer. I don't want to talk to anyone. I don't want to listen to anyone. I give up. Happy Fuckin New Years.
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[25 Dec 2004|08:14pm] |
Ya know. i tried once to have close friends. and try and be friends with everyone....not just the fact to have them. but because i actually care...and want to be close friends. but as for effort goes. i guess that shit just gets forgotten i guess. If a friend gives up and believes that ya know..... the friendship isn't worth it..because i'm such a fuckin junkie who needs drugs to have fun or money. i'm the one who wanted to quit in the FIRST fucking place. including pot. But maybe...just maybe........some fucking bullshit......made me think to myself..."hey why not? This way i'll be all coked up and i won't remember why i care about people so fuckin much. This way maybe i could get the fuck away...and stop making pathetic efforts just to be fuckin forgotten when i turn my fuckin back" So yeah. everyone who doesn't know yet. I'm a very two-faced bitch. I'm devious and i'm a slut. even though i really can still count the number with less then one full hand. can you do that?
I'm a cunt....who never thinks of anyone else but herself. I'm a big fuckin coke/crack head who works all the fuckin time to support her family and her drug dependency. I guess now you really fuckin know me!!!!!
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| Can't control ya hoe. |
[22 Dec 2004|03:26am] |
Goddamn. I'm fucked up. finally found courtney's computer....after being alone for an hour. i even called pauls house to see if i could come over and get on his computer or somethin. So you know i'm mad Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuucked up. But.....after i called i was like... what the fuck am i doing? so i hung up.
Sad thing? i made out with his brother 6 days ago. even sadder? I didn't stay drug-free like i was trying too. even more sadder? I'm alone. with noone to be with.and that sucks. I don't even want sex. Fuck That. i just want to chill with soeone instead of being alone.
I can't recall what the fuck i've been up to this past week. so yeah..... Just alot of shit....i said i wouldn't do. but idon't relaly give..a fuck. I'm tryin to get hooked up with Billy. maybe who knows? But this time.... i want a boyfriend. not a waste of my time.
I wish everyone else would just make up. i wish jeremy and grace got back together. Courtney and buddy. Meghan and Kris. even Paul and Meredith. Because thats how shit is suppose to be. and we could all be cool. and it would all be straight. without having to listen to bullshit. When each one knows they want to be with the other. its fuckin stupid. but a nyways. I don't have shit to say. and.........i wish they'd hurry up.
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[15 Dec 2004|01:08pm] |
If I was rich girl (na, na...)
See, I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl
No man could test me, impress me, my cash flow would never ever end
Cause I'd have all the money in the world, if I was a wealthy girl
I'd get me four Harajuku girls to (uh huh)
Inspire me and they'd come to my rescue
I'd dress them wicked, I'd give them names (yeah)
Love, Angel, Music, Baby
Hurry up and come and save me
uhg i feel like shit. i think i'll just go christmas shopping this weekend maybe i dunno. i WAS gonna go chill with jen. but i don't know now. this sucks. i love you jenna.If i don't come over tonight..i'm sorry.
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| Sometimes she wishes she were never born. |
[14 Dec 2004|01:13pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
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music |
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Rich Girl- Gwen Stefani |
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Her dreams give her wings.
ugh. I need to hurry up and get out of RAP. Its killing me. For more then one reason. i have 11 more packets. How hard is it to get away? I'm determined to change alot of things. Because I need to get used to not being fuck up all the damn time. I have to! Its alot harder then i though it would be. so far so good. I just need to find shit to do.... like stuff i did anything.. But to be honest i really can't remember what i did with my time....uhh its been a while.
yawns. oh well i'm sure i'll be ok. i need to take nap. i have to work today. and i have a feeling tonight is gonna last fuckin forever. I'm plannin on kickin it with Jen tomorrow hopefully. I haven't seen her in foe-EVA!!!!! i miss that lil hoochie.
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[13 Dec 2004|06:45pm] |
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mood |
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 drunk |
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music |
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oops oh my- tweet...? |
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shit. I'm a lil buzzed right now. whatever kind of alcohol i drank, its making me break out. i hate red splotches across my boobs and my face. ahhh. oh well they'll go away sometime. I love charity. I ate dinner with charity and greg. I'm about to go home. and play with my tarot cards, and more then likely fall asleep. I'm gonna try and call courtney to see if she's gonna give me a ride to school tomorrow. *yawns* I sure do wish this creepy brazilian fucker would leave me alone and take a hint that I'm not interested in sex period let alone cyber sex...
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| "Your memory span goes about as far as you penis, no wonder you can't remember shit"-My Grandma |
[13 Dec 2004|05:02pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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music |
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sedated-Ramones |
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FUck i'm bored! Its times like this i start to wonder if i have a fuckin life.
I got a present Friday from jessi. It was so sweet! i wasn't even expecting anything. I had said something about wanting chocolate cherries i forgot when but , thats what she got me! i felt so loved and Jittery!!!!*smiles*
Friday and Saturday was all work to me. I failed to wake up and go take my SAT's. maybe i just wasn't meant to take them. i feel shitty for not going though. i could've fuckin woke up i wasn't that fuckin tired. oh well can't say much about it now can I?
Greg called me Saturday. But i had to work so i didn't go hang out with him. James called me during work telling me to call courtney after work. I called courtney and she told me she was gonna get me...but paul was with them. ugh. oh well. I was tired as shit anyway. WOke up sunday and went to kmart and wally world lookin like shit lol. I didn't even brush my hair. I put up our damn Christmas tree finally. it looks pretty. with really old decorations..like from when my mom was a kid. WHich makes it special i think. School was awful today. I felt so sick. i thought for sure i was gonna hurl on my desk. i went to the bathroom and puked up koolaide. I'v been like this for weeks now. and its mostly in the mornings... when i'm in school. it fuckin sucks. God i can't wait to get out of RAP.
Right now I'm bored. Can't get a hold of anybody. Jeremy said james was at buddy's so i called buddy's and ask for james. I think they gave paul the phone or something because it DID NOT sound like James. it sounded like fuckin Paul. But whatever. If he's with em i don't really want to hang out anyways. Jenna's not online. noones answering the phone. This fuckin sucks. There is never anything to do when i'm off work. whatever. I just didn't want to be alone today. BUt i guess i have no choice. Because I'm such a loser right.....
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| Only when i start to think about it. |
[10 Dec 2004|12:49pm] |
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mood |
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 busy |
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music |
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Talk Shows on mute-Incubus |
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![Visit The Doll Palace [Where Cartoon Dolls Live]](http://public.thedollpalace.com/public/images/dolls_library_linked/HOLIDAY/O5.gif) So, Yesterday i went and gave out my presents.lol Jenna wasn't home so i left her presents with Karen. She told me not to get her anything..but of course i still am.lol Went to Ambers. Amber forgot about me and went with nick and eddie. I called her and she was all,"oh my god! I'm so sorry Marie! i love you. oh my fuckin god i can't beleive i forgot you"lol i didn't get mad at her or anything. But i think Amber has been smoking too much pot lately.lol or something!SO i hung out with Charity, I'm glad she liked the gift i gave her. We talked about alot of stuff. Hung out. I helped her figure out livejournal finally. Then i called courtney but it was too late she was in clifton already. But Charity gave me a ride. so i hung out at buddy's with him, courtney, James, and Buddy. It was pretty cool. oh and Jeremy Terry's massages kickass by the way.lol As for mine...they suck. i gave courtney her present. we watched Viva La Bam. Then me and Courtney came back to cov. She said she wants to hang out with more girls..that she could be like real friends with and stuff. and i totally understand. I consider her one of my friends of course. I gave her my number again. Maybe we'll be able to hang out more often too.
![Visit The Doll Palace [Where Cartoon Dolls Live]](http://public.thedollpalace.com/public/images/dolls_library_linked/G/couples_guncouple_6_16_2002.gif)
Ya know. I really do think I'm finally over paul. I care about him, sometimes. But most of the time, I don't even want to see him anymore. I don't want to talk to him or even be around him actually. He doesn't deserve my bitchyness anymore though. I think I'v done enough. I don't regret having sex with him again, because it made me realize nothing will be like it was no matter what. I don't miss him. I don't hate him or dislike him, its just about time i moved on and removed him from my life and mind. I don't want anything. none of it. Not anymore. Funny how i can change so much in one year. Last year around this time I was in tears almost everyday. I can make myself forget things i guess. But forgiving is too much for me. But not seeing him had made my life so much better, and so much easier. As for eddie, i can't see him again. I just can't do it. I don't want to do anything anymore. Because i don't want a boyfriend. I don't want someone to fuck or make out with. I just don't want it anymore.
A-fucking-men.
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[09 Dec 2004|12:45pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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music |
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Bloodclot- Rancid |
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Tsk tsk tsk. Sometimes these Quizzes are just so.....ehhh
( Why I Don't Have A Boyfriend )
Eddie is coming in today. Amber wants me to Kickit with her. So more then likely i probably will because i haven't hung out with her in a while either. This is the first day we have both been of in weeks.
James told me he's gonna be in Cov. Probably with COurtney, Buddy, and maybe Jeremy. Pauls working..so maybe i'll get to hang out with them. Tomorrow is Courtney's B-day. I got her a lil Christmas gift. It all depends if i get to see her or not. Well. Lamar sure is reading this right now. Gosh i wish he'd stop. This is personal!!!!lol. and he just figured out this is my journal.
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[07 Dec 2004|02:14pm] |
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mood |
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 complacent |
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music |
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How I'm Comin'-ll cool J |
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Work was cruel last night.Its not suppose to be fuckin busy on mondays goddamnit! I talked to my mom after work. She's all tryin to get me to go down to Florida for Christmas. I told her i can't. She asked me when i'm gonna go down there and lived.. and jokingly i was like..man ya'll would drive me crazy!. then she started to cry and shit. *screams* i hate it when she does that shit. It makes me feel bad. Because i don't want to live with her. My dad does that shit too. wtf? i can't fuckin do everything and be with everyone! i really don't want to do anything right now. maybe visit or somethin but i can't because i don't get fuckin vacations and shit. Me growing up makes my parents cry. I can't say or do anything because I'm scared I'm gonna hurt their feelings or something. So i tell both of them i'll live with them in two years. But really i'm not. Maybe they'll forget.
I'm off today! yay! i'm gonna hang out with Amber when she gets out of school til she has to work at 4:30. Then put up Christmas decorations and stuff. 
we have a tree this year! I'm so happy! I haven't had a Christmas tree since i was 4! I have to wrap the gifts i bought. I want to try and hang out with Jenna tonight. But i really don't know if thats going to happen. For some reason she doesn't really sound exactly happy to hang out with me tonight. WHo knows i think maybe she wants to hangout with Reb. Plus i can't really think of anything for us to do. I'm broke so yeah.
Greg is leaving tomorrow. He called me last night, but i was working. I didn't get a chance to call him back. I'm gonna try to later.
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| You can be a bitch, but its ok, I'll pretend i didn't notice. |
[06 Dec 2004|12:32pm] |
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mood |
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ditzy |
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music |
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My boo- usher |
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In case noone has noticed. I'v been mad depressed. So. You should probably guess that Paul and Meredith coming into cucci's didn't make me feel any better. That was like a fucking slap in the face. I started shaking.....came to tears....and vomited in the girls bathroom after they walked by me. I don't care if wether they had any intentions or not. They better not ever do that shit again. WTF? They both know i work there. Go fuckin eat somewhere else. I let go, ok. I stopped talking to him. I stopped fucking him. I even stopped looking at him. and soon enough i won't ever have to see him because i'll be out of RAP. I even stopped hanging out with certain people to stay away from him. So leave me the fuck alone. Be considerate. Fucking BITCH! thats all there is to it. Did they think they would make things better by letting me see them together all over each other playing footsy under the table? Imagine how sick it makes me feel to see him with her. Not that i want him back or anything. But still, of course i still have feelings for him somewhat, not many people know what went down and i bet she doesn't either. So fuck her, I have no pity for any girl that pushes my buttons, They both should know better.
Anyways. Sunday me and adrianne went to Roanoke Christmas shopping. i bought so many gifts. and i spent ALOT of money.lol But its ok. We had so much fun. Adrianne got me a card and she wrote "Merry Christmas Marie, I'm so glad we are becoming friends, love Adrianne." and some earings and a gift card to claires. That was so sweet of her. I'm glad we are becoming friends too. We talked alot. We went out to eat at TGI Fridays. We both got the Jack Daniels steak and shrimp.. which was Bangin! I ate so much.lol When went to walmart after we got back to cov. walked around being stupid. We ran into James, Jeremy, Buddy, and Paul. I miss Jeremy, His hair looks so cute now. Too bad i can't really hang out with them anymore. Basically because they are always around paul. But its all good, I'm sure someday I'll be able to kick it with them someday and not get pissed off at paul.
I feel alot better now. Its not about me quiting drugs to be good. Now. i really do want to. Maybe someday If it comes up and i'm just chillin with my friends etc.. But i'v found so many more ways to amuse myself and be happy without puffin on a blunt,a pipe, snortin shit, or having sex. I love my family so much. and my friends. and right now those are the things i value the most right now. I want the ability to be happy without a pill. I'll get it too.
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[03 Dec 2004|01:18pm] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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music |
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Basket Case- Greenday |
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damn. I'm bored. can't you tell?
This guy i used to talk to all the time. is online when i sign on. then he changes to away. this has happened like two times already. I think he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. If this is true. I'm going to kill someone. Because If it's true, I'm gonna be hurt. Again. and Hurting marie's feeling isn't cool. At all. and Marie is a crazy bitch who doesn't deal with being fucked over very well. Ask any of my ex boyfriends who did it to me.
But lets hope it all ok. Because it better be.
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| If only sex was really this hot..... |
[03 Dec 2004|12:46pm] |
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mood |
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amused |
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music |
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Freak me- Silk |
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Let me lick you up and down
Til you say stop
Let me play with your body baby
Make you real hot
Let me do all the things you want me to do
Cuz tonight baby I wanna get freaky with you
Baby don't you understand
I wanna be your nasty man
I wanna make your body scream
And you will know just what I
(you know what I mean)
24 carat gold
To warm the nights when you get cold
I wanna lick you up and down
And then I wanna lay you down
C'mon silk
I love the taste of whipcream
Spread it on don't be mean
(baby don't be mean)
You know I can't resist you girl
I'll fly you all around the world
(all around the world, oh baby)
I wanna make your body drip
C'mon let me take a sip
(c'mon, c'mon, c'mon)
Take off what you cherish most
(c'mon,c'mon, come on, come on baby)
Cuz when I brag I like to brag and boast
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| Drop it like it's hot |
[02 Dec 2004|01:28pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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music |
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New York- JaRule feat. jadakiss & Fat Joe |
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Uh! I'm a nice dude, with some nice dreams
See these ice cubes, see these Ice Creams?
Eligible bachelor, million dollar boat
That's whiter than what's spilling down your throat
The Phantom, exterior like fish eggs
The interior like suicide wrist red
I can excercise you, this can be your Phys. Ed
Cheat on your man ma, that's how you get ahizzead
I got Druuunk. then i snorted a xanax. well i shared but still. Beer Bonging. First time and I fuckin did it all. hell yeah!
"suck on it like its a nice dick Marie!"-Derick yeah that was a...pleasant thing to say.lol i love that boy. I finally got to kickit with Elly finally. It was fun too bad she had to go home early.
It was getting Crunk up in Dericks place too. I hadn't dance in soo long. Thats why me and Betty dropped it like it's hot! I came home around 4 in the morning. i woke up.....my grandpa was being a dick..and i was still fucked up. i ended up cussin back and forth with him. The last thing i told him before i went out the door was to dig his mom up and fuck her in the eye socket. I wonder if i'm in trouble.
I thought i was gonna hurl in RAP but i didn't. I think this one bitch was talkin shit about my hair today at JRTC the other day. yeah. my hair sucks. but at least i didn't suck a black guys dick and swallow. see. people tell me shit themselves. Then a year later they think i don't remember... but i do. Goddamn i gotta work today. and i've only slept like an hour and a half.I ain't done this shit in a while. I wonder if i can still pull it off. this whole staying up for days practically thing. I miss Jenna.
Oh i almost forgot. I just seen straight up proof that these guys that used to fuck withme a long time ago....are fuckin Poe-lice callin pussy's.haahaha. i mean. i don't really give a shit about em. But i thought it was rather fucking hilarious.
( I Know )
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| Fuck. |
[29 Nov 2004|02:52pm] |
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Someone please shoot me in the face. For being the biggest dumbfuck there ever was.
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| Perfumeness and so am I, take it in the lips I think I kissed. |
[29 Nov 2004|01:50pm] |
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mood |
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cheerful |
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music |
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I think I'm Paranoid- Garbage |
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-sighs- awesome weekend. But i'll spare you all the details. I'll make it simple.
Thusday&Friday:Sleep. sleep sleep. watched lilo and stitch, ate popcorn. slept some more. then went to work friday.
Saturday: Woke up called sam. Took a shower. Danced around to my Mariah Carey tape. got ready. Sam came and got me. we hung out. watched Kill Bill. had muuuuucho fun! Went out to eat chinese. which was delicious. i made him stand out in the cold while i smoked a cig. poor sam. We went over to charity's and got her to buy alcohol. i rented Taking Lives, i heard angelina shows her boobs in it. so yeah.lol Drove around until Nick came home. Rain Rain. a parking lot. more rain.rain rain rain. so lovely. went over to nicks. amber had just cleaned his entire apartment. (sighs..that girl is gonna become a housewife when she grows up)lol. I got FUUUUCKED up. Jerry and Critter came with more alcohol. Sam got wasted. too wasted to drive amber home. So we ended up passing out there.
Sunday: Sam drove me and amber home. He's such a sweatheart. too bad he had to leave. I passed out again. woke up and watched Taking Lives with Andy. I can stress how bad i want to fuck Angelina Jolie. hehe She's got nice tits. My grandma told me paul called sat. Which is wierd. It seems like i haven't talked to that boy in forever.
I love my friends. ugh. I have to take my SAT's this Saturday..eary in the morning...in west virginia. and i work tuesday.. wednsday thursday, friday, saturday this week. yeah.. i have a feeling i'm not gonna score well. Poor Marie. then Sunday i'm suppose to hang out with Adrianne and go to Roanoke. Christmas shopping. yeah probably my next two checks are gonna go towards Christmas.its all good though.
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xkandierokzx's journal
anxious
